1) Do: Tell people they matter

Before ANYTHING else, make sure you reinforce your relationship with the person — no if’s, and’s, or but’s. “First before I say anything else I want to make sure you know I care about you,” or “I respect you as a colleague and appreciate your perspective” goes a long way. Instead of walking into a conversation with guns blazing, which immediately puts everyone in earshot on the defensive, warm up with “Hi, it’s me, someone who cares.”

2) Don’t: Be condescending

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Don’t be that guy. Even if you are dripping in academic knowledge, even if you can talk circles around someone, you will alienate them the minute you act superior. Having more knowledge than someone does not make you a better person. I’m not talking about confidence, confidence is important. Ultimately, being condescending is about control. You are seeking to control or force someone to agree with you and implying that if they don’t, they’re stupid.

3) Do: Acknowledge the fears under the surface

I argue in my book that all conflict and disagreement has some kind of fear at its core. Humans generally want to live and not die. We generally want to be free and not controlled. We fear chaos. It’s important to recognize which fears that are driving a certain belief structure.

4) Don’t: Assume the worst

In addition to fears, for the most part, people seek to do the right thing. We want to be good, we want to fight for the best world. Make a point to say things like:

  • “I can understand where you are coming from”
  • “I see that you mean well.”
  • “You make a good point there.”

Show that you see the person beneath the words, that you assume they have good intentions unless you have profound evidence to the contrary. Before anything else, try interpreting what they say in a generous light.

5) Do: Show them you can understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it

You can’t play basketball if you don’t know what actions create a point or a foul, right? The same is true when we disagree. If you walk into a conversation and don’t take the time to actually listen and understand the nuance of what someone is saying or believing, you are playing the game without understanding the rules. You might say things that don’t make sense or fit the situation, making your participation irrelevant. You will also miss opportunities to make good points that you could have made if you had paid attention. Everyone wants to be heard, especially in disagreements.

6) Don’t: Use sarcasm (but some humor is okay)

Sarcasm, especially sarcasm in online conversations, can be deadly to a conversation. A lot of people don’t get when someone is being facetious, and it can cause problems. So say exactly what you mean. Do not, under any circumstances, crack a joke at someone’s expense. But using humor or emojis to lighten the mood can be really helpful when things start getting too intense. Remember your long-term relationship with that person is more important than the present conversation. If you want to be influential with them, you will use direct language that does not leave room for misinterpretation.

7) Do: Share your sources

Unless you have won a Nobel prize or published a book for your knowledge on this particular subject, you are not an expert. Share your sources — and be ready for the possibility that people will critique those sources or reject their legitimacy. That’s part of the process of negotiation and healthy debate. If your sources are legit, they will hold up under scrutiny. But you need to have sources to be credible.

8) Don’t: Fire in the hole

“Fire in the hole” is what someone yells when they launch a grenade. This includes:

  • Words like stupid, ignorant, deplorable, disgusting, idiotic, crazy
  • Blanket statements that include the words “always” or “never”
  • “Zingers,” “gotcha” moments, or clapbacks — these are momentarily gratifying but will erode your relationship with the person
  • All namecalling
  • All labels
  • All swear words (I’m not opposed to swearing in general, but in difficult conversations, swearing can be distracting, can heighten emotions and defensiveness, and can be a cop-out for articulating the nuance of our ideas and feelings)

Sure you are free to use these words, it’s a free country. But if you really want to be credible and listened to across disagreement, you will avoid them. All they do is breed hostility, and anyone who would have been sympathetic to your cause now thinks you are a jerk who might not be trustworthy.